so, i'm thinkin' hard times will pass. =D i hope. it's just been hard times for the past ever. but its okay. i'll deal with it. (= i'm in love - & that's good. i wrote my grandfather today, & that's good too. i left my card from him @ dana's. uggh. taht was stupid of me. uhh. so hannah's back. & that's exciting. (= she informed me today that she got some cowboy-izzle boots. yayy. well, vaughn is gone till the 12th. taht's sad, but i hope he's having ag ood time. & getting me my SOPHDIZZLE mickey ears. =D. i've been going to summer school with my mom. (she teaches it). er i did today. woke up hella fuckin early. but it was worth it. i love working with the youngin's. yep. i saw nishelle at summer school today and yep, i still hate her. i'm scared about something =\ and its really tripping me out. UH i made a new cyberfriend (so far) - corrin. she's way gorgeous. umm. yeah i'm not. what now. OH this girl that i knew in third grade found me on myspace. she lives in cali now. her name is rayme. & she's way y cycycycy cute. garage sale tomorrow. come & buy stufffff. OH AND I HAVE SIXTY BUCKS YEEHAW and i saw my hairdresser today. whom i love & she's gonig to have me babysit her daughterrr. yay easy moolah.
i'm sure it's gotten around by now. max and i broke up. it's weird. i guess deep down i knew we weren't going to get married, and have kids and die together. i mean, of course i knew that. it's just that i never thought.. What will happen if he's not there? I never thought I would need to. Because, everything just seemed so perfect. We seemed right. And so what? We fought, and we were jealous. But, I know we could fix it. We could make it perfect. It was a mutual thing, we both agreed to it. Both of us brought it up. But neither of us saw it coming? It's too weird. It's weird not to wake up in the morning to hear his voice. and It's weird not to call him when i have a bad dream. It's weird not knowing where he is. It's weird not being completely sure of what he feels about me. but most of all, it's weird not to see him constantly. and when I do see him, it's weird to give him a hug, or hold his hand, or lay with him. I don't think either of us know how to act, so we just put a brave face on and pretend. We never used to have to pretend. Which pretty much SUCKS. I hate not being able to call him when I start crying and tell him we should be together. I hate being scared of telling him how I feel. I hate being scared to give him a kiss. (what if he pulls away?). And I probably shouldn't kiss him. But I don't like that idea. It's weird. We were so comfortable together. and now it's like we have a wall of awkwardness between us. I don't like it. Not 1%. And I know atleast one person out there is SO happy we're broken up. I know she likes him. (actually, i know plenty of people that like him). And there are a few that pop into my mind right now. I wish people wouldn't try adn get him on the rebound. I was listening to the voice recordings on his phone. And there's one of me saying "i love you" and i sounded SO happy. and so secure. and you could hear mario in the background. i remember that day so well. actually, i remember EVERY day with him. there's something about us when we're together. we have... energy.. and a connection. and chemistry. like we can't keep our hands off each other.
oh well. =\ eventually, i'll get over it. I know I can. I just need him to look me in the eye and tell me... It's over.
I miss you Max Christian Hall. And I love you. I'll always have a place in my heart reserved for you.
If you read this, even if i don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you....
So I could have gone my whole entire life without seeing HER again. But
that's okay. I can deal. I don't know why that upsets me so much.
Plus, I was thinking. And I don't want to be the reason you've changed. Or are changing. I know how much that hurts. =\
I LOVE YOU<3
max's first baseball game today.
They lost to Ck. 21-1. Lmfao. Its okay, Max is PERFECT<3
I absolutely hate feeling like I come second in your life. I hate
that I am hesitant to tell you how I feel now. I hate that I can't call
youjust becauseanymore. I hate
that you have to fit me into your schedule. I hate that we're not the
same anymore. But I guess you have to make sacrifices to make this
work. I don't want you to lose anything from this. I'm trying my
hardest. I really am. And I love you, I know I do. You're my best
friend, my love, my everything. You mean everything to me. I hope
you're happy with this. Cause I am. And i'm sorry
if it seems like I take this for granted, or I am not happy. Becasue I
don't, and I am. I just get caught up in the emotions of this.
i love you.
i had a super good time wiht my best friend dizzle today. WORD